Beyond "All or Nothing" Thinking

We all stumble in many ways, as James 3:2 reminds us, but we often think in absolutes about our performance—either we're doing great, or we're failing. There's rarely a middle ground.

This black-and-white mindset shows up in every area of life—whether as spouses, parents, employees, students, or athletes. When we meet self-imposed or external standards, we feel justified and satisfied. But when we fall short, we quickly dismiss any progress and are crushed by our failures. Life becomes an "all or nothing" game.

This thinking can fuel patterns of depression, swinging us between moments of pride when we think we’ve done well and deep discouragement when we haven’t. Over time, the failures tend to outweigh the wins, and we start to believe our successes were just flukes. The pressure to be perfect becomes unbearable—for us and those around us.

One way to recognize this harmful thought pattern is by paying attention to how we talk to ourselves. Do we say things like:

• "I'm a terrible person."
• "She's a perfect mom, unlike me."
• "That was a complete disaster."
• "He’s always patient with his kids, but I’m never like that."
• "They’re so smart; I’m not smart at all."

If your internal dialogue is full of harsh judgments, it might feel like your inner critic is a relentless prosecutor while your defense attorney is nowhere to be found.

Why do we fall into this trap? While I can’t claim to know all the reasons, I recommend seeking help from a licensed Christian counselor if you're struggling. But here are a few thoughts:

We expect too much.
We often feel like failures because we set impossible expectations for ourselves. The truth is, we’re finite creatures. We can’t do everything perfectly or be everything to everyone. Life has its limits. We can achieve some success, but complete success in every area is unattainable.

This is especially hard in today’s world, where technology promises to help us do more and be more. But the more we can do, the more responsibility we feel to keep up, and the harder it is to accept our limitations.

We rest too little.
A deeper issue is that we don't rest enough in God. We feel the need to be perfect because we don’t trust that Jesus already is perfect for us. We don’t believe His grace is enough for our struggles and failures.

Trying to be your own savior is exhausting—and unnecessary. We already have a perfect Savior who has done everything truly necessary for us. Jesus said, "It is finished." We can rest in that.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Do the best you can, and trust that God will bless your efforts. When you succeed—whether in big or small ways—celebrate those wins. Don’t dismiss them. God rejoices over your victories, and you should too.

Remember, God isn’t keeping score. His grace covers your sins and shortcomings. Trying to do it all on your own will leave you with nothing. But trusting in what Jesus has done means you already have everything you need.

You are loved—never forget that.